So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Randomize
