Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
