I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
