She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
