dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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