I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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