Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
