How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
