My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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