Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Sext me about skeletons
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
