I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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