i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
whose parrot is this?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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