If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
