Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Randomize
