Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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