capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I pour the whiskey from now on
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
