and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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