I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
