By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
