At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
