He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
