So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
