she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
