Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
