Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
it's like iHOP with fire
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
