I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
