Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
