I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
