never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
