I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
