I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
