Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
