I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
