I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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