i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
