We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
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