Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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