I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
