im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
