I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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