Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
