sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
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