The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
