it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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