Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
