put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
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