So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Randomize
