I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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