Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
