I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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