Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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