That's intense
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I'm way too hungover for life right now
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
