They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
